Hiya! I know I'm not talking to anyone soooooo...yea. I'm scared out of my freaking mind right now. Bear's leaving in about 2 weeks and I'm not going to see him for 4 weeks. 4 weeks! That's practically a month...too flipping long! I start going nuts when I don't see him for a few days...this is going to be insanely hard. He promises me that he'll text me and/or call me everyday but I'm still scared he'll find someone else. And even if he doesn't find anyone, I'm afraid he'll start to lose interest in me. What if I bore him or annoy him during some point? I'm starting to open up to him and I'm making myself vulnerable. I don't want that to blow up in my face. I don't want to get hurt...not so soon after melon. Argh but the point is, I really really don't want him to leave. I wish I could go with him to Nebraska for the 3 weeks...I know I can't go to Boy's State. He wishes it too =\ Oh this is so lame! But I will have a lot of time to lose weight and tone up. I want him to come back to a girlfriend who looks amazing and that is so not me right now. I'm going to start running in the morning at the park by my house, or I'm going to try. I really do want this. Wish me luck!



P.S. How fucking awesome is it that I'm dating bear?! Cherry...whatever...^_^
 

location: My Room mood: scared music: Crash and Burn by Savage Garden tags: bear scared hopeful

Finals are kicking my ass. I'm getting no sleep at night, only 3 hour long naps in the afternoon. It's crap. But I had a weird dream tonight. I dreamt that I went to some store(I dont know, pick one) and I saw Josue and Hector there. It was so strange. I haven't seen them in 3 years. But what was really strange was how happy I got when I hugged Josue. In the dream, I was so happy and I felt so safe. And I think my heart lurched or something. I felt something there. I was so confused when I woke up, but then it cleared up I guess. I miss my old friends. I wonder if I saw Josue what he would do, or how he would act. I think he's dating that Veronica chick again. He was my "dad" and Marissa was my "mom". But I don't think they're speaking anymore. But I always felt like he looked out for me. I really miss that. I want to see him again, but I think he has probably changed. He would probably just be like "hey." and then there would be some awkward silence. Or he would be like Marissa and barely awknowledge my existence...which would suck. Oh well. That was my walk down memory lane...kind of. I wish I could go back...
Ok, now I must study for my theology final. Bye.

location: my room mood: discontent music: Secret Crowds by Angels and Airwaves tags: friends school sad

I'm so sad and pissed and confused and nauseous right now. Cherry doesn't want to be my friend. The only reason he talks to me is because of grape and if grape and I and weren't going out, he probably wouldn't even talk to me. He told me so after school. He actually said probably not, but thats the pretty much the same way as saying no, I wouldn't. I want to tell grape, but I don't want to keep telling him everything. What if he starts getting annoyed with me? Plus, like I said, he doesn't tell me much. Then there's the chance of him telling cherry something if I did. Most likely not though. He doesn't like conflict, especially against his "best friend". That would just be pointless. Then me and boysenberry aren't on good terms. She always acts so fake around the people she absolutely hates. I admit I'm fake around them sometimes, but most times I express my dislike for them. But everyone loves her. There's this one teacher who absolutely adores her. I thought she liked both of us, but apparently she only likes boysenberry because she always chooses her and talks to her. Then when she turns around or leaves, boysenberry's the first person to talk shit. It drives me insane. She does it with cherry too. She says he's so annoying and blah blah blah, but cherry thinks she's the coolest person ever. So they basically started ignoring me, once again, and then she tried to be all cute and mess with me. It pisses me the fuck off and it annoys the crap out of me. I hate all her little "cute" baby noises. Then there's the doctor's appointment. I hope everything is going to be ok. I'm just scared you know? I really need to study now. I have a history test and a spanish test tomorrow. Wish me luck...

location: my room mood: upset music: Only One by Yellowcard tags: friends school upset

i feel so sad. he cut me off when i was talking. got annoyed i think. he denies it though. he's always, and i mean always talking about his sisters. i think he's talking to P1 too. i hate that. she's a huge flirt. im eating so much. ive gained weight and im pissed about it. i dont know how im going to hide it. i reallly need to start exercising. im going to do it tonight. i hope i dont get lazy like i usually do. im so tired though. but that just means i need to get into a routine. one where i go to sleep at an early time, do my homework and projects ahead of time, and get a lot of exercise regularly. i think i'll go to sleep at 10 tonight...or at least i'll try to.

location: my room mood: sad music: Hot N Cold by Katy Perry tags: him change

I cleaned out my email inbox last night. I had emails from February 2007 in there. I figured I didn't want to keep anything from that long ago, so I would just check the whole page and delete. Check and delete. I did that all the way up to February 2008. That's when I saw them. The emails I had from him. The first one was sent by me. I had asked if he was cherry's friend and he said yea. And we started talking about cherry and P1. Then we talked about her..P3. I felt a pang of jealousy when I read over the part where he told me he liked her and was waiting for her to tell him if she wanted to date him. I had to stop reading. Things have been so weird between us and I hate it. But the thing is, I'm pretty sure I'm the one who's making it weird. It's hard to trust him. I'm always getting upset with him or saddened by something he says. I have a very bad jealousy problem. I really need to get that fixed. I just wish I could feel happy and comfortable. He tells me how much he loves me, but I'm still so afraid that things will change and he'll get tired of me. I want to feel safe, but for some reason, I won't let myself. I don't know what to do.

location: my room mood: worried music: Midnight Fix by Asteria tags: him

i hate myself. 
i wish i was beautiful to him. i wish i was skinny. 
i wish i was cool. i wish i was somebody. i wish people liked me. 
i wish my friends wanted to hang out with me. i wish i was a better friend. i wish i wasnt such a huge procrastinator. 
i wish i could get my life together. i wish i knew how to get my life together. i wish i wasnt so weird. 
i wish i wasnt ugly. i wish i was what he's always wanted. i wish she didnt exist. 
i wish she wasnt his best friend. i wish he hadnt told her. i wish i could trust him. 
i wish i could believe him. 
i wish he loved me as much as i love him.
 i wish he cared about me as much as i care about him.
 i wish he missed me as much as i miss him. 
i wish i hadnt met him. i wish he would be mine forever. 
i wish i had more money. i wish i wasnt such a loser. i wish i was closer to God. 
i wish i could go to the HP world with pineapple and never have to come back. 
i wish clothes looked better on me. 
i wish i could get my permit. i wish i had a job.
 i wish my mother would die. i wish my father would leave me alone. 
i wish i could just run away from it all. 
i wish i was smarter. i wish i was more likeable. i wish i wasnt a coward.
 i wish i could stop hurting myself.
 i wish i wasnt alive.

location: my room mood: depressed music: Pressure by Paramore

he called! i was so happy. he's in arizona visiting grand canyon. he stopped in vegas on his way there and some dam too. but when he called me he asked me if i wanted a ring, a bracelet, or a dream catcher. i didnt know which though. i dont think he's going to get me a ring because he doesnt know my ring size..so yea. but thats really sweet. im still sad that he didnt call for so long though. it was torture. but yes, i was very happy that he called. except he sounded like he didnt really want to talk to me towards the end of our 15 min call..*sigh* i dont know. things still arent what they used to be..not even close. i just want to be with him. i want to cuddle with him and i want him to hold me. and i want to kiss him and i want him to kiss me. i love doing that. i love him. and i miss him. 

gah and then i have to read this lame and boring book for school. junior year is going to suck. i was hoping to get my permit tomorrow but someone stole my father's money and i dont know if its going to cost anything to get it. so most likely that's not going to happen. i also need to go over this SAT prep book that i got yesterday. oh joy. yea, ok im done for today. im going to exercise, take a shower, and then go to sleep.

pineapple went to sleep early =/
i love you pineappizzle!! (:

location: in my room mood: numb music: you make me smile by blue october