bmws92

Pepperdine!!!

Wed, 24 Jun 2009 04:05:04 GMT

Ohai!! I'm posting from Pepperdine right now! Woot woot! Yea Zach is sitting next to me looking retarded...as usual. He says, "Go John Voight!!" lol Ok I go now...bye.

Edit:: I MISS ANDREW!!!
<333

Leaving

Mon, 08 Jun 2009 05:21:19 GMT

Hiya! I know I'm not talking to anyone soooooo...yea. I'm scared out of my freaking mind right now. Bear's leaving in about 2 weeks and I'm not going to see him for 4 weeks. 4 weeks! That's practically a month...too flipping long! I start going nuts when I don't see him for a few days...this is going to be insanely hard. He promises me that he'll text me and/or call me everyday but I'm still scared he'll find someone else. And even if he doesn't find anyone, I'm afraid he'll start to lose interest in me. What if I bore him or annoy him during some point? I'm starting to open up to him and I'm making myself vulnerable. I don't want that to blow up in my face. I don't want to get hurt...not so soon after melon. Argh but the point is, I really really don't want him to leave. I wish I could go with him to Nebraska for the 3 weeks...I know I can't go to Boy's State. He wishes it too =\ Oh this is so lame! But I will have a lot of time to lose weight and tone up. I want him to come back to a girlfriend who looks amazing and that is so not me right now. I'm going to start running in the morning at the park by my house, or I'm going to try. I really do want this. Wish me luck!

P.S. How fucking awesome is it that I'm dating bear?! Cherry...whatever...^_^

-Growls-

Mon, 02 Feb 2009 00:53:33 GMT

Freaking a dad! Man I'm pissed you wouldn't let me go. For once, that idiot of a girl wasn't going to be there and you decide that this is the time you didn't want to take me. Thanks a lot. And then softball...I'm so nervous about it. I hope I can do it. I think conditioning might kill me. I'm really not good with running at all. And I have to worry about her being there. She's probably going to judge me on how well I run and how well I play. I hate that. I really hope she quits. I don't want her to lose any more weight either. I already feel like a fat cow compared to her. I don't see why he still stays with me. It makes no sense. I got my cleats today. Man, wearing shorts is going to suck. My legs are sick. Like...big and gross. I don't know what the heck happened there, but that's how they are. Then I have to worry about my history project and lit project. I should do that now. And wtf?! Boysenberry is being a bitch. I'm so fucking pissed at myself for telling her about NM. Stupid girl. And she complains about random stupid shit on there. It's annoying. She writes like a 3rd grader. Fuck. Ok I need to go calm down before I break something, or someone.

Wed, 17 Dec 2008 02:54:48 GMT

Finals are kicking my ass. I'm getting no sleep at night, only 3 hour long naps in the afternoon. It's crap. But I had a weird dream tonight. I dreamt that I went to some store(I dont know, pick one) and I saw Josue and Hector there. It was so strange. I haven't seen them in 3 years. But what was really strange was how happy I got when I hugged Josue. In the dream, I was so happy and I felt so safe. And I think my heart lurched or something. I felt something there. I was so confused when I woke up, but then it cleared up I guess. I miss my old friends. I wonder if I saw Josue what he would do, or how he would act. I think he's dating that Veronica chick again. He was my "dad" and Marissa was my "mom". But I don't think they're speaking anymore. But I always felt like he looked out for me. I really miss that. I want to see him again, but I think he has probably changed. He would probably just be like "hey." and then there would be some awkward silence. Or he would be like Marissa and barely awknowledge my existence...which would suck. Oh well. That was my walk down memory lane...kind of. I wish I could go back...
Ok, now I must study for my theology final. Bye.

revealed

Thu, 04 Dec 2008 00:21:29 GMT

I'm so sad and pissed and confused and nauseous right now. Cherry doesn't want to be my friend. The only reason he talks to me is because of grape and if grape and I and weren't going out, he probably wouldn't even talk to me. He told me so after school. He actually said probably not, but thats the pretty much the same way as saying no, I wouldn't. I want to tell grape, but I don't want to keep telling him everything. What if he starts getting annoyed with me? Plus, like I said, he doesn't tell me much. Then there's the chance of him telling cherry something if I did. Most likely not though. He doesn't like conflict, especially against his "best friend". That would just be pointless. Then me and boysenberry aren't on good terms. She always acts so fake around the people she absolutely hates. I admit I'm fake around them sometimes, but most times I express my dislike for them. But everyone loves her. There's this one teacher who absolutely adores her. I thought she liked both of us, but apparently she only likes boysenberry because she always chooses her and talks to her. Then when she turns around or leaves, boysenberry's the first person to talk shit. It drives me insane. She does it with cherry too. She says he's so annoying and blah blah blah, but cherry thinks she's the coolest person ever. So they basically started ignoring me, once again, and then she tried to be all cute and mess with me. It pisses me the fuck off and it annoys the crap out of me. I hate all her little "cute" baby noises. Then there's the doctor's appointment. I hope everything is going to be ok. I'm just scared you know? I really need to study now. I have a history test and a spanish test tomorrow. Wish me luck...

sad

Mon, 01 Dec 2008 02:51:10 GMT

i feel so sad. he cut me off when i was talking. got annoyed i think. he denies it though. he's always, and i mean always talking about his sisters. i think he's talking to P1 too. i hate that. she's a huge flirt. im eating so much. ive gained weight and im pissed about it. i dont know how im going to hide it. i reallly need to start exercising. im going to do it tonight. i hope i dont get lazy like i usually do. im so tired though. but that just means i need to get into a routine. one where i go to sleep at an early time, do my homework and projects ahead of time, and get a lot of exercise regularly. i think i'll go to sleep at 10 tonight...or at least i'll try to.

remembering

Sun, 30 Nov 2008 22:45:00 GMT

I cleaned out my email inbox last night. I had emails from February 2007 in there. I figured I didn't want to keep anything from that long ago, so I would just check the whole page and delete. Check and delete. I did that all the way up to February 2008. That's when I saw them. The emails I had from him. The first one was sent by me. I had asked if he was cherry's friend and he said yea. And we started talking about cherry and P1. Then we talked about her..P3. I felt a pang of jealousy when I read over the part where he told me he liked her and was waiting for her to tell him if she wanted to date him. I had to stop reading. Things have been so weird between us and I hate it. But the thing is, I'm pretty sure I'm the one who's making it weird. It's hard to trust him. I'm always getting upset with him or saddened by something he says. I have a very bad jealousy problem. I really need to get that fixed. I just wish I could feel happy and comfortable. He tells me how much he loves me, but I'm still so afraid that things will change and he'll get tired of me. I want to feel safe, but for some reason, I won't let myself. I don't know what to do.

broken

Sat, 29 Nov 2008 20:25:33 GMT

i really just dont understand. you never tell me things about her. its like you avoid it. i know the reason why you dont talk about me is because everyone thought and would be you too. and that would start drama. not because people would be like "oh, you actually have a girlfriend?" honestly, how would that even start drama? but then you said i guess thats why when i brought her up. i wish you would have just told me the truth. you do that a lot...you lie to me a lot. i hate it. and then you're going to say that you didnt even think of that? really? i could see right through you! then you went a stabbed me in the stomach.." What? Do you like want me to tell you everything I'm thinking?" no! why the hell would you ask me that? that hurt...you have no idea how much that hurt. i didnt know i came off that way, but you didnt need to say it like that. do you know how much i cried last night? because i dont think you do. i hate myself right now. i hope i can actually get through the day strong, and not fall into temptation. alright welli have to go clean my room and do homework. bye now.

Black Friday

Fri, 28 Nov 2008 19:52:42 GMT

yup, it's black friday, but i really dont care. especially since my dad isnt going to take me shopping. >=| freaking a!! thanksgiving is a curse. i ate so much yesterday. im pissed at myself. and im so hungry right now. but i dont want to eat anything. i need to lose weight. and i need to lose my stomach. i hate how i look. i should be doing homework right now, but i need to clean my room first. i dont feel like doing that though. no wonder im so behind on everything. plus i need to prepare to take my SAT and subject tests. im worried as hell about those things. i guess i should focus on getting my projects and homework done. and preparing for finals, which i have to take in a few weeks. crap. ok ok i need to go clean my room. i'll be back on later...hopefully. bye now.

Poopy McPoopyFace

Wed, 22 Oct 2008 14:20:54 GMT

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Wed, 23 Jul 2008 19:37:24 GMT

i hate myself.
i wish i was beautiful to him. i wish i was skinny.
i wish i was cool. i wish i was somebody. i wish people liked me.
i wish my friends wanted to hang out with me. i wish i was a better friend. i wish i wasnt such a huge procrastinator.
i wish i could get my life together. i wish i knew how to get my life together. i wish i wasnt so weird.
i wish i wasnt ugly. i wish i was what he's always wanted. i wish she didnt exist.
i wish she wasnt his best friend. i wish he hadnt told her. i wish i could trust him.
i wish i could believe him.
i wish he loved me as much as i love him.
i wish he cared about me as much as i care about him.
i wish he missed me as much as i miss him.
i wish i hadnt met him. i wish he would be mine forever.
i wish i had more money. i wish i wasnt such a loser. i wish i was closer to God.
i wish i could go to the HP world with pineapple and never have to come back.
i wish clothes looked better on me.
i wish i could get my permit. i wish i had a job.
i wish my mother would die. i wish my father would leave me alone.
i wish i could just run away from it all.
i wish i was smarter. i wish i was more likeable. i wish i wasnt a coward.
i wish i could stop hurting myself.
i wish i wasnt alive.

entry 2

Mon, 07 Jul 2008 06:16:02 GMT

he called! i was so happy. he's in arizona visiting grand canyon. he stopped in vegas on his way there and some dam too. but when he called me he asked me if i wanted a ring, a bracelet, or a dream catcher. i didnt know which though. i dont think he's going to get me a ring because he doesnt know my ring size..so yea. but thats really sweet. im still sad that he didnt call for so long though. it was torture. but yes, i was very happy that he called. except he sounded like he didnt really want to talk to me towards the end of our 15 min call..*sigh* i dont know. things still arent what they used to be..not even close. i just want to be with him. i want to cuddle with him and i want him to hold me. and i want to kiss him and i want him to kiss me. i love doing that. i love him. and i miss him.

gah and then i have to read this lame and boring book for school. junior year is going to suck. i was hoping to get my permit tomorrow but someone stole my father's money and i dont know if its going to cost anything to get it. so most likely that's not going to happen. i also need to go over this SAT prep book that i got yesterday. ~~oh joy~~. yea, ok im done for today. im going to exercise, take a shower, and then go to sleep.

pineapple went to sleep early =/
i love you pineappizzle!! (:

entry 1

Sat, 05 Jul 2008 20:05:33 GMT

well, this is my first entry..hint the title. im so messed up right now. im drinking chocolate milk and watching degrassi, trying to forget about my porblems. trying not to think about how he no longer has any time for me. he's forgetting about me. he hardly calls me anymore. we talk a max of 15 min now. it used to be a few hours a day. and he calls me late at night. but he's tired to talk for long. wednesday night we talked about it and he said sorry, just like he's been doing. and i thought that meant something. then he promised to call me thursday. but he didnt. not during the day at least. but he did call me at 2 in the morning. he told me his problems of that day and told me he was going on vacation with his family for the weekend. to celebrate the 4th of july i guess. he told me that he didnt know if he would be able to call me...even though he has a cell phone. he's always "too busy" to call me, even though he tells me that he does nothing during the day. and that he feels bad and lonely when he doesnt call. which makes no sense because if he really felt that way he would call me. but anyways, when he said that i almost cried. i feel so..unimportant. i dont mean anything to him anymore and he has no idea how much its killing me. all those times he told me he loves me and that he cares for me. they're all lies. and his dad came on the phone, pressed a bunch of buttons, and told him to get off. i almost died then. his mother already hates me for no reason. and now his dad too. he probably thinks im some stalker girl who calls his son in the middle of the night. but he called me, not the other way around. he told me he would call me on his cell phone. when he did, i just told him to go..that his dad told him to. he didnt argue, he just said ok. he told me he loved me and would try to call me. i said i loved him too. but i knew he wouldnt call me. he hasnt so far, and he probably wont for a while. he told me i was the most important person in his life. i cant believe i was stupid enough to believe him. he could hear me..hear that i was about to cry. he asked about it but i denied and said i was fine, that i was good. but when we hung up..i cried. i cried so much. i cried myself to sleep. and i cried last night too. and i'll probably cry tonight as well. he's creaking my heart and he doesnt even realize it. i just miss the way things used to be.